The Perfect Dare
by Bay Alexison
Summary: Breda and Havoc dare Roy to kiss Olivier and he does, but it takes him on a twisted turn of sorts.


**Author's Note: **Hahaha, I'm so used to writing Roy as this determined guy who won't let anything get in his way, so this is a surprise I wrote this.

This was written for livejournal's springkink community, the prompt being _Olivier/Roy- His mouth always gets him in trouble._ The way I wrote this story is quite weird unless you watched _Alfie_, more so the 2004 version with Jude Law. Yes, there will be times Roy will do a monologue to the readers. You'll have to pay attention when he talks to the characters and when he talks to the readers in a "break the fourth wall" fashion. Some lines might be OOC for him, but this is a crack fic we're talking about here, so that can be forgiven, I guess?

**Warnings: **Crack humor, sex talk, instance of spanking, language, some caplocks and italic abuse, spoilers for Chapter 108 manga/episode 64 anime.

**The Perfect Dare**

_(aka Roy Mustang the Womanizer and How He Wooed Olivier Armstrong)_

When General Olivier Armstrong entered Central Headquarters, her presence was like a hurricane. Immediately, everyone stopped what they were doing and became startled, fear written all over their faces.

A few weeks after the Promised Day, Fuhrer Grumman offered her a seat with the Central High Command. She accepted it because that would mean she would be able to know how Lieutenant Colonel Miles—he too got promoted, she had to remind herself—was doing concerning revising the Ishval polices.

That also meant she would have to work closely with Brigadier General Roy Mustang.

As Olivier continued marching, she clenched her fist, knuckles turning white. Hearing the news that Mustang got promoted made her blood boiled. That man was weak and a disgrace to the military, so why had he climbed up a rank?

_Grumman, that's why._

She snorted, couldn't believe she hadn't realized that sooner. Roy had been one of his subordinates before, so he had the upper hand being a friend of the Fuhrer. Injustice at its best.

Getting close her destination, Olivier would let the brigadier general know she wouldn't be taking any nonsense from him.

xxx

Inside the office, Brigadier General Mustang and his team were busy discussing the rebuilding of Ishval, everyone being focused at the task of hand. Roy glanced around, as if afraid he was being watched, and left his team to walk straight at…it was hard to say without mentioning there would be some fourth-wall breaking from this point on. The brigadier general let out a smug grin.

"Oh, hello! Well, I assume you all know me. Brigadier General Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, Hero of Ishval, womanizer." He stopped to chuckle. "Well, right now my team and I are busy revising the old Ishval policies."

Hawkeye, Breda, and Havoc were talking while Falman and Fuery were looking though some books. Apparently, they didn't notice their superior was talking to no one in particular.

"Yes, we have a lot of work cut out for us, but that's okay. I want to do this to make up for what I've done in the past. But you all know that already, so I'll cut to the chase. During the day I'm busy with my work, but during the night I hang out with the ladies." A sly smile crept onto Roy's mouth. "You don't know how many of them dig my scars and feel sorry for me." He frowned at this and sighed. "Lately though, it seems all the women I've dated so far are all the same. Perky, bubbly, small curves, saying I gave them the best night of their lives.

"I don't know about you, but I would like a different woman to go to bed with. She has to be someone that is a little more challenging to convince. And no, before you ask, not Hawkeye. We care for one another, but not in that kind of way, so I'm sorry to the shippers that wanted the both of us to get together."

All of a sudden, the door slammed open, making Roy and his team turned around with expressions of shock. Olivier Armstrong glared at the Flame Alchemist, deep intensity illustrated in her eyes.

"Why General Armstrong, what brings you here?" the brigadier general asked, trying his best to remain calm.

Immediately, Olivier strode over and pulled Roy's military jacket with a tense grip and pressed her forehead against his.

"Listen here, Mustang. You may be promoted thanks to that spineless Grumman, but I won't take any crap from you! I'm going to keep an eye on you and you better not do anything to make me favor you."

Before answering, Roy turned his head and whispered, "You see, General Armstrong hates my guts. A lot. But I'm able to handle her wrath… most of the time."

The man turned back, coughed, and flashed the general a warm smile. "Don't worry, I won't."

Oliver's mouth twitched slightly and she snorted. She let go of the brigadier general and spun around, leaving the office without another word. Roy's whole team snickered (except for Hawkeye, who just covered her smile politely), leaving him flabbergasted.

Havoc whistled coyly. "Wow, she's sure showing whose boss."

"You really have done it, sir," Riza said, stating the obvious.

"What? It's not my fault I got promoted… _which I deserved_."

"True," Falman responded. "However, you better watch out. Speaking as someone who has been under her command before, she means business."

Roy let out a heavy sigh. Olivier wouldn't leave his side, which would make getting his work done harder. Not good, not good at all.

xxx

It was close to sunset by the time it was to go home. Roy and Riza were walking down the steps of Central Headquarters together. She wasn't paying attention to him when he began speaking.

"Olivier won't take her eyes off of me while I'm at work, and it's not because of my dashing looks, sadly." He shrugged. "I have never done anything disgraceful since the Ishval Extermination, so I'm not sure what the general is so worried about."

"Sir! Sir!" Two men suddenly yelled.

The brigadier general turned around and saw Havoc and Breda running towards him. They stopped, bending down with their hands on their knees, catching their breaths.

"Havoc? Breda? Is something the matter?" Riza asked, her voice growing with concern.

"Not exactly," Havoc said slyly. "It's more of a dare Breda and I just thought up."

Roy cocked an eyebrow. "What kind of dare?"

Breda whispered something in the Flame Alchemist's ears, causing him to turn pale. The female lieutenant had that worried look again.

"Sir, what's wrong?"

"They want me to kiss her."

It was Riza's turn to be horrified. She turned to face the two second lieutenants. "What?"

"You see, Havoc and I made a bet," Breda explained. "Havoc thinks you'll kiss her and then make love to her, and I think you're too chicken to do any of that."

Roy's expression was blank. "What?"

"Well, I can tell you want to try out her lips," Havoc said with roguish eyes. "You want to get to her good side for one night, and I think you're itching to do that right now. That and you've been checking out her butt lately."

Wanting some time to do his monologue before answering the second lieutenant, Roy moved his head slightly away from Havoc's face.

"Okay, he's right; sometimes I wonder what it's like to kiss Olivier Armstrong. Also, yes I have been checking the general's behind a few times since she came to Central recently, and I've imagined how soft and firm it would be should I grab it. I might be liable for sexual harassment but, then again, Grumman's been known to pat women's butts and all he ever got were angry scolds."

The man turned his head back in the second lieutenant's direction and stared at him.

"As much as that is true, I still don't know. General Armstrong did say she won't tolerate any nonsense with me… not that I did anything of the sort except procrastinating on my work a while back."

"See Havoc, told you he's chicken!" Breda taunted, his grin showing teeth. "You owe me a thousand cenz."

The other second lieutenant's shoulders slumped and he frowned, his face showing defeat. "Okay, fine."

While Havoc was looking through his wallet and counting the notes, Roy turned his head slightly away from the man's face again.

"Me, chicken? That's one thing you never call Roy Mustang, ever! I already had enough of people asking me to burn those with my flame alchemy, thank you very much."

He faced Havoc again, but his eyes were glaring at Breda too.

"Now, hold up! Who says I'm scared to do it? I'm not afraid of her! Bring it on!"

Both second lieutenants grinned in gleeful satisfaction.

"Good," Havoc said. "Meet us Saturday night at the Armstrong estate at nine. Don't be late." He and Breda snickered once more before leaving Roy and Riza alone.

"You're seriously not going to go through with that, are you?" Riza asked, eyes narrowed and lips pursed.

"Of course I am! The last thing I want is my officers thinking I'm a wuss on backing away from a dare."

Knowing the argument would be fruitless, Riza shrugged and the two continued walking down the stairs.

Roy had some time now to devise a way to not make Olivier kick him out of her house immediately and to kiss her. Easier said than done.

xxx

Saturday night came fast. Roy was walking briskly towards the Armstrong mansion, holding a paper bag in one hand. He checked his pocket watch— ten minutes until nine.

"Okay, I have an idea. First I'll offer General Armstrong what I have in this bag,"—he held his bag up high and then lowered his arm—"and say I want us to get to know one another better. That shouldn't be too hard."

The Flame Alchemist stopped dead at his tracks when he saw Havoc and Breda standing at a nearby tree. The two of them waved at him.

"Chief, you made it early!" Havoc exclaimed jubilantly.

"Well, a gentleman has to be early," Roy mused with a smirk. "Does the general know you guys are here?"

"Nope," Breda responded.

"All right, then." Roy took a deep breath to calm his nerves. There was still a part of him that worried General Armstrong might go berserk, but it shouldn't be too bad. "Wish me luck."

His men gave him the thumbs up and the brigadier general wasted no time walking to the door. He straightened his coat and dress shirt before ringing the doorbell. Within seconds, Olivier opened the door.

"All right, what do you…" Her face slipped into a grimace. "Mustang? Why're you here?"

Putting on the most charming face he could muster, Roy answered, "You know, after you visited my office a couple days ago, I got to thinking. You're being too judgmental of me, so I want to prove to you that I'm not as bad as you think I am."

Olivier pursed her lips in suspicion. "And how're you going to do that?"

"By having the both of us get to know each other over a drink."

The man swiftly took out the wine from his bag and handed it to the general. A cheeky grin formed on his lips. Before coming to the mansion, he was busy deciding which wine to buy for this occasion.

**Mr. McKeen's Sweet Passion Wine**

_The drink for romancing that someone you have been dreaming of all these years_

Olivier gazed at the bottle for a second and then smashed it against the outside wall, the liquid soaking the cement. She threw out the neck part of the bottle.

Dumbstruck, Roy's jaw dropped. Yeah… this was off to a bad start. Remembering there were some broken pieces of the bottle on the cement, he picked them up and put them in the bag. He would have to throw them away after leaving the mansion.

"If you think you can seduce me after we talk, think again. Unlike other ladies, I'm not weak with your 'charms.' I'll see you at work on Monday."

The man instantly gathered his wits together and said, "Wait! I'm serious about wanting to get to know you better. The wine is more of a sociable effect. I know you drink with your men to have fun with them."

The general spun around to face Roy and gave him an annoyed stare. "True, but unlike you I respect them more and they earned my trust. Again, I'll see you Monday."

This was getting worse now. The man knew he had one more shot for this or else she might slash him with her heirloom sword.

"Wait! Remember when you said you would lend me your estate instead of your brother? Wouldn't you like to at least get to know the person, who will be taking care of your mansion, better?"

Olivier pondered this for a moment, hand on her chin. Before long, her lips curved into a smirk.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to talk to you for a bit, just to make sure I made the right decision in leaving you this place. Follow me."

Roy stepped inside, a huge grin forming on his face, and Olivier shut the door.

xxx

The two military officers were inside the living room and sitting on the couches, the both of them across from each other. There was a wine bottle on the coffee table and the glasses filled with it were almost empty. Roy inclined his head in the direction opposite of Olivier and began speaking.

"This is actually went better than expected. Olivier was kind enough to let me drink one of the wines her family has had for a while. Or, as Major Armstrong would say, 'The wine that had been passed down in the Armstrong family for generations.' Anyways, we got to talking over some things, like how Briggs is doing now and how my progress over revising the Ishval policies is going. And I have to say, it was a good chat."

He turned his head back and saw the female general giving him a slight smile.

"You know, Mustang, you're not as bad as I thought. You're still scum, but good scum."

Okay, so she wasn't that drunk yet.

"I'm flattered to hear that from you," Roy replied with a good-natured chuckle.

"I'm serious. The Promised Day stunt you pulled; that's great strategy there. If it weren't for you thinking of that, the world would've been history."

"Well, I can't take all of the credit. Fullmetal and others had helped out too. You forgot; I didn't do much when I was temporarily blind."

"Yeah," Olivier agreed, snorting. "It served you right for having a huge ego."

The man pouted and lowered his shoulders. "Now that was uncalled for."

Snickering, the general placed her left hand on her cheek. "Aw, did I hurt your feelings?" she asked tauntingly.

"Maybe." Roy's lips tugged into a sly smile. "But that's what I like about you."

Olivier's expression suddenly changed to bewilderment. "What do you mean by that?"

Even though Roy still had that smile plastered on his face, inside his mind he was scared out of his wits.

_Did I just say that?_ he asked to himself, face struck with horror. _Oh god, I did. Okay, forget about no one calling me chicken. You never, NEVER say that to Olivier Armstrong! That's why I hate my mouth sometimes—it always gets me into trouble. Okay, Roy, think before you're sliced to death. _He snapped his fingers. _Wait, I got it! _

The man quickly got out of his chair and sat down next to the general. Olivier narrowed her eyes, as if ready to slap Roy if he got any closer. In quick succession, he placed his hands on her cheeks and his lips touched hers. For a second he thought the higher ranking officer would push him off the couch, but instead her hands held onto his shoulders. The kiss was fast and messy, but the both of them were enjoying themselves—maybe a little too much.

With a forceful grip, Olivier pinned him down and began kissing his neck, making Roy feel very aroused around the area between his legs.

_I almost forgot about the dare Havoc and Breda wanted me to do, but I went for it and it turned out all for the best_, the Flame Alchemist mused while the woman was unbuttoning his shirt and running her hands all over his chest. _Also, one of my fantasies will come true now_.

Roy released one of his hands from Olivier's back to lift it and spank her. She made a surprised sound, but there was a devilish grin growing on her lips.

"I knew you liked to play rough... I'll show you rough if you come visit my place more."

If there was ever a time the brigadier general's face had a stupid grin, this would be it. "I'll come more often, then," he promised her.

The two kissed again and pressed their bodies against each other. Roy considered it a successful night.

xxx

_Two months later_

It was mid-afternoon and Brigadier General Mustang and his team were eating lunch in the headquarters' cafeteria. While everyone else was silently enjoying their food, Roy titled his head and began his usual monologue.

"Even after two months, I still can't help thinking about that first night between Olivier and me. Maybe she's the challenge I had mentioned before. It _did_ take some sips of wine and a small chat for her to come at me, though.

"And yes, before you say anything, Olivier and I have had sex several more times since then, each time crazier than the next. There must be some wild kinks at Briggs, it seems."

Roy turned his head to face his group. Havoc gave his superior a mischievous look and the man knew what he was thinking.

"So, you and Olivier are hitting it off now, right?"

"Well, we're not really in a relationship per say, but there's a whole new side of her I never knew before." Grinning, he said, "She does indeed have lady appeal whenever she's in bed with me."

"It's actually nice the both of you are getting along now," Fuery said, smiling. "I wouldn't want her to kill you!"

Only Falman and Hawkeye weren't interested in the conversation. The lieutenant continued eating her lunch with an indifferent expression while the warra—second lieutenant—looked very worried.

"Maybe you should quit while you still have the chance, sir," Falman warned. "I don't think anything good will come out of this."

"Ha! What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"MUSTANNNNG! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

The whole room stopped eating and turned their direction towards Roy. All he could do was look at Olivier's furious face, a frightened expression on his own. The man laughed uneasily.

"Why General Armstrong, what seems to be the problem?"

Just as when she had entered Roy's office after he was recently promoted, Olivier grabbed his jacket and glared at him.

"What seems to be the problem? Well, I'll tell you. You _have_ noticed that I haven't come to headquarters for the past couple of days, right?"

Wondering why she mentioned that but afraid to question her, Roy gulped and nodded. "Yes. The men here thought you weren't feeling well."

"And indeed I wasn't, or so I assumed." She let go of the brigadier general, causing him to fall face-down on the floor. "I went to the doctor this morning, and guess what he told me?"

"That you got food poisoning from eating here?" Roy said while getting up. That was the wildest guess the alchemist could think of off the top of his head.

Olivier laughed. "Oh, I wish. The food is very bad here, but that's not the point. No, he told me that I'm pregnant."

Many officers in the cafeteria were whispering to one another over the news, some looking quite amused. Mustang's face turned pale.

"Wait, _pregnant_? But we took precautions!"

"Well, apparently this was from our first night together. Either way, this is all your fault , and I will make you pay!"

The general unleashed her sword from the sash attached to her belt and took a stab at the brigadier general. After the man dodged the incoming attack, his whole team screamed and got out of the way before they were killed; the table was sliced in half, instead. That was a good enough signal as any for everyone in the room to get the hell out.

Olivier pursed her lips and turned around to see Roy hiding underneath an empty table, cowering.

"Wait, you don't want to kill the father of your child, right?" he pleaded.

The general didn't hesitate as she thrust her sword at him again, but Roy was quick on his feet and managed to clear away from her and run out of the cafeteria. Olivier followed in pursuit.

In the main hall, the people working in the headquarters stopped when they saw two familiar high ranking officers running, one chasing the other with a sword, screaming, "Come back here, you bastard!"

"I guess my mouth really got me in trouble this time," Roy said while running. "This is what happens when I want something different in my sex life. I'm pretty sure things will get awkward from here on out.

"Now, for this kind of story, you wonder what I have learned. Well to tell you the truth, nothing really, except General Armstrong can be feminine when she wants to be." Even though he was being chased, the man laughed.

"_FEMININE_?" the general roared, able to hear that last part of Roy's monologue. "Oh, that's it!"

Outside, Olivier continued to chase and scream at Roy. The citizens in the city stared at them in confusion whenever they passed. The two continued their cat and mouse chase as the sun over Central began to set.

**Author's Note 2:** Okay, I have to bring _Alfie _upagain. If any of you watched the 2004 version (not sure if the original did this), Alfie did indeed get one lady pregnant (the movie showing how his womanizing ways can lead to consequences). Hence, this crazy idea of having Olivier get pregnant. The only difference is in this story the baby news is much more cracky and not depressing, haha.

Oh, speaking of pregnancies, I should get started on my Australian Fund Relief story that has Riza confessing to Roy over that, LOL.


End file.
